By SuperShe Staff
Loving someone can be turn-your-world-upside-down fantastic. But love alone doesn’t make a relationship go round. You can love someone more than Kanye West loves Kanye West, but there are certain deal breakers that even earth-shattering affection can’t mend or block out. And yeah, realizing a relationship is irreparably flawed and needs to be ended for both of your sakes f*cking sucks.
In fact, breaking up with a partner you’re still in love with sucks so much that it can be hard to realize it’s time to call it quits. That’s where SuperShe comes in: we’ll help you take off those rose-colored glasses (even though you look so damn cute in ‘em) and see when you should probs break it off with your current boo. But we must mention that you’ve gotta have a convo with your S.O. before you hit the road; it’s worth it to see if they can change their ways or if the relationship can still be saved. If the things we’re gonna lay out for you below are still going down after “the talk,” it’s time to go. It’s going to be tough AF, but don’t worry, we’ll have you singing “thank u, next” better than Ariana Grande in no time.
Mismatched relationship goals. In the wise words of the Spice Girls: “Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.” Oh, you wanna move to the mountains and be a hermit? That’s, uh, not exactly how I imagined our lives together. “One of the biggest relationship deal breakers is a mismatch in core needs or desires,” says Kristen Mark, PhD, a certified sex educator and SuperShe expert based in Kentucky. “For example, the desire to become a parent or not might not be the same for both people and can be a reason to go separate ways.”
Core desires don’t just have to be about the big, milestone stuff. “Our day-to-day activities are wildly different now,” says Rachel, a NYC SuperShe, who is about to break up with her boyfriend of four years whom she still loves. “When we started dating, there was a lot of interest in doing things, like going to baseball games and branching out, but once we got comfortable, he just wanted to sit at home and watch TV. That doesn’t work for me anymore; I like to do new things like trying new brunch places, exploring museums, and going on day trips out of the city. We’ve outgrown each other and have different goals, too. He has no career goals at all, and there is a serious misalignment between our individual determination to grow in life and move forward.”
Priority probz. If you’re not at the top of your partner’s to-do list (pun kinda intended), it might be time to bid your boo adieu. “My ex-boyfriend had other priorities than me,” says Hannah, a SuperShe from New Jersey, about her first college beau. “He was very into sports, going out drinking every night and always wanting to be with his friends. It made me feel like: ‘alright, am I even a priority in your life?’”
When you’re constantly feeling like you’re playing second fiddle to friends—or something else—it might be time to move on. We’re not telling you to cut and run without a word, though; definitely talk with your partner about what’s got you P.O.’d before you make the decision to peace out. Give ‘em some time after you talk to turn their shit around—maybe set a deadline for change in your head so you have a hard stop—but don’t wait around forever for something that just ain’t happening.
Cohabitating conundrums. You and your partner can make a house a home…and also a hellhole. “Living together can show partners things about each other that they can’t live with or that makes them a real mismatch,” says Kristen. “It might even reveal some things about your partner you may not have previously known.”
This is true for Rachel, who’s had it with the everyday habits her boyfriend just can’t—and won’t—break. “He smokes weed every evening,” she says. “I get so nauseous; I find it so disgusting. We originally had an agreement that he’d only smoke in one of the bathrooms, but sometimes he smokes in the bedroom if he’s annoyed with something I’ve done and wants to be petty.” WTF, dude? We can see why she’s itching to exit that relationship; even love can’t triumph over toolbag behavior.
Location, location, location. Long distance might be your jam, especially if you’re an uber-independent lady who likes her space. But for a lot of us, being away from our partners for a hella long time can be a real S.O.B. “Location can be a big deal-breaker,” says Kristen. “If you’re in a long-distance relationship or your partner is moving somewhere that it becomes a long-distance relationship, it can result in a breakup.” You might barely see your bae anymore and a FaceTime can only substitute for so much. Plus, if you’re ready to start a family or take the next step in your relationship—whatever that may be for you—being physically separated from your partner can make some of your goals next to impossible. We totally get it: we can barely be away from our beds for more than a week at a time, let alone the person we love.
Subpar sex. Yep, you read that right. It may seem like a shallow reason to ditch someone you’re dating, but your sexual satisfaction can be a huge part of your overall fulfillment and happiness. “An incompatible sex life can negatively impact a relationship,” says Kristen. “If one of you has certain sexual needs that the other can’t meet that can be a reason to end things.”
We’re not saying that having mediocre sex every once in a while is a reason to jump ship. Hey, it happens. But if things just aren’t working with bae in the bedroom and repeated attempts to spice things up are epic failures (but wait, have you tried car sex?) that could be a red flag to reassess your relationship. Love alone can’t always compensate for some good ol’ lovin’. Speaking of, SuperShe’s got your back when it comes to giving your horny ass a hand.